Is a dementia diagnosis grounds for divorce?

This was the provocative headline on a Globe & Mail blog on Sept. 15. Television evangelist Pat Robertson had made international headlines earlier in the month for suggesting that it is morally justifiable for a spouse to look elsewhere for companionship after a partner has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease, because the disease is a “kind of death” and therefore is in keeping with the marriage vow, “until death do us part”.

In reflecting on Robertson’s controversial remarks, I reviewed comments posted on the Internet. Most people abhorred his views. As a social worker who provides counseling and support to caregivers looking after a spouse afflicted with dementia, leaving an ill spouse is not often considered an option or a preference. This is not to say that many caregivers are not extremely stressed and may “want to run away” in the figurative sense from the demanding, life changing, and sometimes lonely and sad experience of being a caregiver to a partner with dementia.

Along with the changes in their partner’s personality, behavior, judgment and memory, the spouse is grieving the loss of companionship. When a spousal caregiver expresses a desire to find companionship outside of the marriage, we should never be quick to judge. We must consider the larger context and complexity of many relationships. For example, it may not have been a happy marriage to begin with. This distressing or unhappy situation can be compounded when dementia enters the picture and, sadly, may be a tipping point that prompts the spousal caregiver to want out of the marriage.

Many caregivers try to adjust to their changing relationship with a partner in their “new normal” by accessing help from professionals and other agencies, attending support groups and reaching out to family and friends. As a professional, I acknowledge and validate the losses and the conflicting emotions a spousal caregiver may feel, but I also seek to help these family members reflect on the benefits and positive experiences of caregiving. In the support group I co-facilitate for spouses, there was a discussion about Robertson’s comments. One gentleman remarked, “It would not be so terrible to go out for dinner with a male or female friend for companionship”. Another gentleman replied, “I think he (Robertson) means more than dinner”. The first gentleman responded with a smile, “At my age I am not talking about anything more than dinner”. This elicited laughs from the group members but underlined an important theme – the desire and need for companionship.

Robertson’s comments, if anything, have validated the challenges that caregivers experience with dementia in a partner. He has brought into the open a tender subject that no one really likes to talk about – i.e. the feeling of loneliness and a longing for companionship. Robertson may have ‘stirred the pot’ with his comments, perhaps to encourage partners to share their views and values about caregiving with one another before there is a diagnosis of dementia or other health crisis.